Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
