gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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