i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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