I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
