dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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