Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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