If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You took a bar mat shot.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize