I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
