I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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