stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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