**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
