I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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