Do you still have your period?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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