it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
