The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
