So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
