i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
