on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
