In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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