I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
