I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize