Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Randomize
