i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
