sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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