I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
