friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
