She is in my trunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
