If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
