Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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