: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My feet surprised me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
