On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
