He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
