Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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