party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
