I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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