If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
