I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
