Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
