Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
