Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
