the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
