can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
