I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
