they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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