it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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