First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
