dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
