i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
