My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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