I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize