You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Never underestimate the power of titties
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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