Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
