I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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