Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
