Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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