I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
