i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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