I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
