don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
