just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
