i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
