Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
