Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
